Please help

EX FOXTONS EMPLOYEES: URGENT HELP NEEDED

Did you know that for every 10 people sleeping rough on the streets at night, 9 will be found to be ex employees of Foxtons. This little-known fact has come to light

following investigations into the mental and physical breakdown of the individuals

found wandering aimlessly on our streets. It would appear these hapless unfortunates all answered advertisements to become “major players” in the property market and become “property millionaires” within a year or two. They were tempted with visions of professional respect from the house-selling industry and the public alike.

However it would appear the dream quickly becomes unrealisable and by a systematic process of brainwashing these would-be business stars are reduced to incoherent, gibbering wrecks in around 8 months –the average length of employment at Foxtons.

Therefore we desperately need your help. Four pounds(£4) buys the following:

1. A miniature model of a Mini: to remind them of a time when somebody trusted them enough to allow them to drive on Britain’s roads.
2. A phrasebook with some of the following indispensable stock phrases:

1. “I wish I had a pound for every enquiry I have had about this property, because I would be a very rich man/woman by now”.
2. “These properties have just been flying out of the door”.
3. “This property is the full nine yards”.
4. “This property has whistles and bells on it”
5. “This is an all-singing-all-dancing property.
6. “If you don’t make an offer now I am afraid I will have to offer it to the countless other people who have registered an interest in this property”.
7. “A surveyor has already valued it at £…………….”,
8. “I thought I would offer the property to you first as I know you have been looking a long time for something just like this”.
9. “I know just the person who would be interested in buying your property- in fact as far as I am concerned the deal is already done”.
10. “This property needs cosmetically updating”.
11. “This property has such a good location with all the bars and restaurants in close proximity”.
12. “I think house prices have already risen by 90% this year”
13. “Now is the perfect time to buy/sell/lease/rent/emigrate”.
14. “I’m sorry but we have already received 10 offers at full asking price.”
15. “Working at Foxtons is great”.

Yes your contribution will help alleviate the suffering of all ex employees of Foxtons and move them off the streets into secure “compact and bijou” accommodation.

BREAKING NEWS:

Police have just apprehended an ex Foxtons employee  at Niagara Falls whom they suspected was attempting suicide but when arrested the man was heard mumbling about “panoramic views” and “possibility of 1000 flats on 40 storeys (subject to planning)”.